Saturday, August 6, 2011

Everything is Cowboys, Poodles and Lace!

Well, I have definitely been embracing my more manly (un-homo) side this week.  It all started with this need to fit into those size 31 Wranglers and, from that decision on, it has been a slippery ride down to the boarder of Hetero Haven.

As my profile states, I'm a failed cowboy turned math teacher and, for me, the cowboy still runs deep.  You will often find me wearing all that cowboy gear: boots (I have around 30 pair), Wranglers, western shirts, hats (I think I'm up to seven) and  I love it all.  It's what we wore back in Albuquerque when I was growing up and it has stuck with me for these 40 plus years.

Anyway, Wranglers do amazing things to a man's anatomy.  Even the most homely of physiques can look stunning in a pair of Wranglers.  If you can't picture it I'll try and help; Wranglers do for men what the push up bra does for women only it works on both the front and back sides of a man.  Such a great garment that does such great things!  Of course, the smaller the size the better the garment works.  Really, think about it, if your gut is big, everyone is going to be focusing on it and not the important, sexy parts that have been lifted and molded into perfection.

Currently, I wear a size 32 in Wranglers.  Now to be honest, this is not a true 32.  This is the type of 32 that requires lying on the bed and sucking your gut in till you almost faint to zip them up and button them, type of 32.  To add to this misery, I refuse to by fat boy Wranglers.  For me, that is anything over a size 32.  So, I spend lots of time in VERY tight Wranglers hoping that my goods are properly displayed.  In reality, this is all about vanity.  Now how Mo is that?  Aren't all true homos vain?  Why yes, Virginia, they are!

I'm enough of a real Mo to be vain but enough of a loser Mo to want to be comfortable, leaving me with but one choice, hit the gym with gusto and be a man about it.

So, here I am three weeks after that decision feeling beefier,  thinner and trimmer.  What's really bad about this is that I'm actually enjoying the intense workouts.  That's right, I'm having fun being a jock!  All of that sweat pouring off of me; the burning feeling in my muscles from lifting too much, it's like a drug!

Well, this is all very good for me.  It's making me healthy.  It's making me look good and, it may help me get dates but I'm thinking that it's not helping my homo status.  Now don't get me wrong; there are lots of gay guys who work out a ton.  However, they have other Super Mo qualities.  For example, when they speak they speak in a range four octaves higher than the average hetero male; they have their eyebrows waxed weekly and they listen to musicals while puttering around the house.  All of these Super Mo things I do not do.

Am I doomed to utter Mo failure?  Possibly not.

While at the gym today, I was contemplating this current conundrum and remembered a comment from a student of mine.

Once, this past year, I was lamenting to friend of mine how I was such a bad homo.  She thought this was quite amusing and told her family about it at the dinner table one evening.  Her son, who happens to be one of my students, informed her that I was actually a really good homo because I have Standard Poodles.

When I recalled this statement, I almost tripped on the treadmill, sending a shower of sweat onto the woman next to me.  I was too thrilled at my recollection to worry about her evil glares or be concerned that she was wearing a neon pink top with neon green spandex shorts.

Thrilled with my realization that I had finally made the grade, I finished my workout and headed to the steam room.  Ahhh, time to relax and bask in all of my superior homo-ness knowing that I can be gay while working out hard and enjoying it!

Of course, the universe is out to have a laugh at my expense.  I suddenly realized that my poodles aren't sissy poodles.  My poodles do stuff like this:

Yes, my girls ROCK!  And they will kick any Lab's ass when it comes to swimming and retrieving!  BOOYAH!

Opps...there I go again and so go a few more gay points.  I'm trying.  Really, I am trying.

Well, since my poodles aren't a good gay fall back then my knitting surely must be.  I'm still on a big lace kick and I recently found this lovely pattern (Check that out; I just used "lovely" in a sentence.  How gay is that?).

This pattern just screams GAY!  It's actually an edging which is meant to be grafted or sewn onto the main piece of work.  I'm really not that concerned with the edging bit.  Personally, I think it's a bit Grandma.  What I do like about it is the leaf and acorn motif, just that part.  It's pretty F'n cool.  I'm currently trying to come up with ways to use just that part in some bit of knitting and I think I'm onto something way, stay tuned.


  1. You make me a good way. You are a good gay, as there is no bad gay. I think there are all types of gays, but we mostly only notice the wilder, more distinctive gays. The ones that stand out less are noticed less. There is a place for all types. I think cowboys, math, and lace are awesome!

  2. I was once told that I didn't get hit on much because I didn't fit into any particular "type." Not a "levi's guy," not a "clone," not a "western," not a "leatherman." That's what you'll get for being yourself. One guy even told me that the reason I was still single was that I was "too articulate." Don't worry about it, life is lovely, and so is your lace!

  3. Your knitting is beautiful and you made me giggle. That gives you talent and personality points. That has to count for something.