Seven More Days Until Knitting Freedom!

YES!!  Only seven more days with my charming students.  I'm counting and I know that they are too.  Their brains are probably doing something along these lines, "Math homework or daydream about what I will be doing this summer...hmmmmm...Daydream!"  My brain is doing the exact same thing.  The daydreams that I have consist of all the knitting that I will be doing and all of the Mo Points that I will be accumulating towards being an excellent gay man.

I have already started down that path.  Sunday, I was in super Mo Point acquisition by channeling my inner Joan Crawford, "I'm not mad at you.  I'm mad at the dirt."  Yes, I was a cleaning machine, even to the point of getting a toothbrush to clean out the dirt from the corners.  I also have to say that my Hover carpet cleaner is a beautiful thing.  It always amazes me how much dirt lives in carpets.  ACK!  Anyway, it's always nice to have a clean house especially before you have a litter of puppies.

My girl Trudy is expected to have a litter of 9-11 puppies any day now.  I'm hoping  that it is nine as eleven is a lot.  Most of them are already sold to happy homes.  One puppy will be going home to twin girls on their birthday in August.  I want to be there when that puppy goes home.  It will be fun to see the kids' faces.  Actually, as I write this, Trudy is getting ready to whelp her litter.  Poor thing, she's so uncomfortable.  Her temperature has dropped and she is trying to find a place to deliver.  I haven't seen any big contractions yet; so, I think that we are still a few hours away from the big event.  Here is a picture of her super pregnant tummy.

I have also been very busy on the knitting front.  At long last, I finished a blanket for a coworker's baby.  It's only a year late.  Well, actually I think of it as being six months over due as they wouldn't have used it last summer.  Anyway, her son is a year old now and I'm sure he will still get a lot of use from it.  Here are a few pictures.  I knit it in the round and steeked it.  I am all about steeking.  It makes my knitting life really easy.

 My extreme fair isle sweater is almost done.  I have completed one sleeve and I'm about a fourth of the way through the other one.

I am very happy with the way the sleeve decreases turned out.  I hid them in the main colour of the pattern and left a stripe of contrasting colour between them.

This sweater has been a really good learning experience and has brought together various skills that I have learned making other seamless sweaters.  It has actually motivated me to make another and, this time, write down the pattern.  Maybe I'll start a men's seamless sweater revolution.

The Little Monsters are Killing Me!

It has been a few months since I posted any updates to my adventures.  Actually, the truth is that I really haven't had any adventures.  Of course, I'm still on a mission to become a good homo but even that has fallen by the wayside.  The reason for my lack of excitement is due to these......

 

yup, you got, middle school children.  Yes, these are actually mine; taking their tap class (I teach at an arts school).  OMG!  They're killing me!  ACK!  They drive me nuts this time of year.  I am so beat at the end of each day that I have been taking a nap when I get home.  I can't wait for summer break.  I have such a love/hate relationship with them.  If you are a teacher, you totally get what I'm talking about.  For those of you who do not teach; allow me to explain.

When school starts up in the fall, teachers LOVE, their kids.  We actually start to miss them in August.  During that month, I start planning out my instruction for the upcoming year.  I almost always have great units planned that will inspire kids.  I know that my instruction will save the world by giving kids all that they need to succeed in life.  My amazing wit and mastery of mathematics will keep their attention and they will produce master pieces of mathematical reasoning! (Seriously, we think this way.)

This deep emotional connection to our kids and profession continues through the fall and almost up to winter break.  It's at this time that teachers begin to realize that they are starting to get tired and that they really need a break.  Of course, the kids are in this same boat too.  They are getting done with us and our demands on their time.  Ummm, hello, who wants to do math when you have an XBox at home.  Usually, I don't love my kids too much during this time period.  I like them a lot but I'm starting to get tired.  

As the year progresses, it gets worse.  This is the major reason why....

 

Yes, Spring.  

Here in the Pacific Northwest, winter is a lot like Scotland, grey and wet.  So, when the sun finally arrives, we all go a bit crazy.  Now in the case of the middle school student, you must multiply the sun craziness by a factor of ten.  No less than 15 times a day, I am asked, "Can we have class outside?"  Okay, like having class outside on a sunny day would get students to pay attention.  I know that tomorrow will be really bad.  It is forecast to be in the 80s (summer temperatures); translate this to lots of children staring out of the window, wishing they could be outside and hating math.

Of course, teachers are feeling the same way.  We really wish that we could be outside playing too.  However, we must remain in our adult state and attempt to get some form of instruction into their heads.

May is the month in which teachers know that the children need to go away for a time, a long time.  Let their parents have them back.  Isn't it their turn anyway?  Besides, we teachers need time away so that we can recharge and begin our love/hate cycle anew.

Sounds awful doesn't it?  We teachers are an odd lot.

Anyway, it's because of those charming middle school students that I have been thwarted in my goal of becoming a super awesome mo.  I'm sure that this summer I'll be able to embark on an amazing adventure that will cement my place in super mo history.  However, in the meantime, I'll just have to settle for knitting.

I have actually been very busy knitting.  The first is this lovely.

This is my Leaf and Acorn stole.  I posted the first version of this bad boy a while back.  This is the Knit Picks version.  I have to admit that I like it much better than the first.  The yarn was perfect for this stole, baby alpaca and silk.  It was a bit slippery to work with but the finished piece is great.

I changed things up a bit this time.  Instead of knitting two separate halves and then grafting them together, I used Judy's Magic Cast On.  This is a great provisional cast on.  It leaves you with all of your stitches (not missing one like a crocheted provisional cast on).  When you get done with one half, just turn your work around and start knitting the second half going the opposite direction.

Next on my knitting plate is colour work.  I was deeply inspired by a sweater that Ivar Asplund Knits recently did.  So, I began work on this guy.  The original pattern is called Autumn Rose.

 

I really like the colour combination and the fair isle pattern, however, the scoop neck and three-quarter sleeves just won't work with my hairy body.  So, I'm making a MAN sweater out of it.  I knitted the body and steeked the sleeves and neck.  For the shoulder, I used a shoulder strap.

 

The front and back of the work are joined together while knitting the shoulder strap.  It's a very useful technique.  I left live stitches on both ends so that I could pick up sleeve and neck stitches.  At this point the neck band has been completed and I'm working on the first sleeve.  Also, I continued the shoulder strap pattern down into the sleeve.  It's coming along nicely.  

I also have a new design going that I'm going to be submitting to Knit Picks.  I'm keeping it secret for the moment but I'm hopeful that they will pick this one up too.

Another bit of good news is that our girl Trudy is pregnant again.  The vet thinks that she could have a litter of seven to nine puppies.

Well, off to enjoy the sun!

Maria Callas- Una voce poco fa

Ughhh!! I Have a Boy Brain!

OMG!  Such a bad blogger am I!  Life just seems to have grabbed me and not allowed me any time to update my blog.  However, a few glasses of wine on a Friday night and my life has slowed down just a bit.  Of course, when I start to have time to reflect, I start to worry about my status as a true mo.
My first question this week is the actual spelling of "mo".  I have come across a few sites where "mo" is spelled "moe".  Hmmmm.....I think they are wrong.  My reasoning goes something like this..... "mo" comes from homosexual and the "mo" in homosexual does not contain the letter "e".  So, these other homos who spell it "moe" are less of a mo than me.  Any good mo knows their grammar and spelling.

 Knock up a few points for me!!!!!

On the down side, a few things happened this week to take a few homo points off my tally.

First, I came across a quiz this week called "What Sex is Your Brain."  It's actually a quiz based on real scientific tests and normed against male and female scores (basically not your stupid FaceBook quiz).  Anyone can take it, here is the link http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/mind/index_surveys.shtml.  Well, my brain said, "At last, a scientific test to prove that we are a true mo!"  So, there I sat for 20 minutes answering questions about feelings and spatial reasoning.  At the end of each section, the system reported your score.  I was super on target for all that feeling, mushy stuff.  Personally, I thought I was a shoe-in for an even brain possibly tending toward a girl brain.  I mean really, I'm a mo!  NOPE, I'm all boy.  Really, WTF, I knit, love opera and have poodles, on top of liking guys.  Am I ever going to get a break?  Well it appears not at this moment.

Second, (and to add icing to this cake) while at lunch with a colleague this week, I made some comment which prompted this response, "You are the most straight gay guy that I know."  OMG!  Just take the knife and drive it in deeper.  And to think, this guy calls me a friend.  Anyway, I turned to him and said, "Please, I knit."  I know, it's week but it's all I have at the moment.

Speaking of the moment, I have a few knitting things happening.  Here is my latest design.

I call it Acorn and Leaf Stole.  I gave a preview of this in my last post and this is the final product.  It's pretty intense for lace.  Lots of yarn overs and on both sides of the work plus purling two together through the back loop.  Ack!  However, the finished product is really pretty.  Knit Picks likes it too.  They sent me some yarn to do a version for them.  It's taking me forever, mostly because I'm so damned busy; however, it's more than halfway complete.  Only a few more weeks to go!

WTF is Project Runway and Can I Have More Yarn Please?

I have been hard at work earning Homo Points since my last post.  Unfortunately, my points were lost when the subject of Project Runway began over on Ravelry  Actually, I see it as my points were dashed upon the rocky coast of a universe out to have a good laugh at my expense.
To make a long story even longer, I actually confessed that I didn't know of Project Runway or of the people who star in it.
In reality, I knew what I was getting into.  Even as I hit the return button to send my post off to be critiqued by the world, I knew my true Mo friends would be shaking their heads in disbelief and sadness as they read my declaration of Project Runway ignorance.
There was much chatter over this, what can only be described as tragedy, and, in the conversations that ensued, I discovered that it is the show to know if you are excellent Mo. (Okay...check that out, that last sentence rhymed!)
Not being an excellent Mo or even a Mo in the know, I sat down at the computer and tried to do a little research on the topic.  It must be an insanely popular show because it appears to have been around for nine seasons.  Now, there may be more but the biggest number I saw was nine; so, no taking away points if I'm wrong.  Anyway, I clicked on the MyLifetime link and proceeded to watch an episode.  About 30 seconds into the "what happened on last week's episode" supernatural forces conspired against me and locked up my laptop.  Now, usually, I wouldn't assign great significance to this event but it was such a bad lock up that I had to reboot twice.  Obviously, someone/thing is out to stop my Homo education.  So, after rebooting and sifting through information about this show, I'm going to blame this woman, Heidi Klum, for the evils perpetrated upon me.

Before my research,  I had no idea who she is or what she has done, but she seems to be the reigning queen of Project Runway.  Now here, I can be a good Mo.  I'm looking at that outfit on the right and thinking, "Honey, please, you're hurting my eyes.  With taste like that a visit to Dairy Queen must be an evening on the town!"

SHHHH!!!  DON'T tell anyone but my research not only revealed that she wears scary clothes but she also had huge, giant tits added onto her front as fashion accessories.  I'm not lying; check out the before and after pictures:

KAZOOMBAS!!!!  Grab onto those puppies in an earth quake because they aren't moving!  Apparently, to be a frightening fashionista, you need super boobs.

Anyway, I digress.  After reading up on Project Runway, I have discovered that it is the American Idol of fashion designers.  A giant reality show of people trying to become the next Queen of Fashion (I use Queen because all of the dudes are SUPER flaming.  No mater who wins, male or female, there will only be a queen).

I'm sure you can guess that this reality show does nothing for me.  You can also guess that deep down, somewhere, I should have some little warm spot for fashion and fashion designing as I am a Mo.  Well, you're guessing wrong.  I don't!  It's no where in me.  Trust me, I've looked!

Now I know someone is going to say that I'm picking on fashion designers but I'm not.  I don't dislike fashion designers.  I actually appreciate them and the work they do.  I just don't want to watch a TV show about them.  Especially when I can watch football.....Ughhh....F*&k, there I go again, more Homo Points down the tubes.  See, even where there is TV to watch, I'm outta luck. 

However, all of this designing talk has made me realize that my quest has not been totally thwarted.  In fact, I'm the designer.  First up is a nice little design contest sponsored by Skacel using only one hank of their Simplicity Hikoo yarn.  Of course, one hank isn't much and I found myself feeling a little like Oliver Twist..."May I have some more please?"

Well, just like poor Oliver, I'm not getting anymore gruel or yarn.  Never to back down from a challenge,  I came up with a pretty neat design.  I would show you but, since the contest hasn't happened yet, if you saw it I would have to eliminate you by using a paper clip (Jason Bourne and I are tight).

Wait, I can see the worry on your face.  I implore you not to fret as I do have a wee bit of other designing to share.  Remember that little bit of lace edging that I showed last post?  Well, I have been playing with it and I'm thinking that it will make a nice shawl.  Here is my latest test knit, lovingly held in place by my partner Jeff (yes, I know he spells his name the wrong way but don't tell him).  It's a bit hard to see with this yarn but the acorn and leaf pattern works well.


The pattern in not too complicated but it does take concentration as there is something new happening on the knit and purl rows. I mean on every row.  I usually like to listen to books when I'm knitting but this pattern as put a halt to that.  I either lose track of the knitting or the book.

So, as you can see, I haven't given up on using my designing to earn Homo Points.  I think that when I finish this shawl, I should be well on my way to earning my Silver Gay Card!

Everything is Cowboys, Poodles and Lace!

Well, I have definitely been embracing my more manly (un-homo) side this week.  It all started with this need to fit into those size 31 Wranglers and, from that decision on, it has been a slippery ride down to the boarder of Hetero Haven.

As my profile states, I'm a failed cowboy turned math teacher and, for me, the cowboy still runs deep.  You will often find me wearing all that cowboy gear: boots (I have around 30 pair), Wranglers, western shirts, hats (I think I'm up to seven) and  I love it all.  It's what we wore back in Albuquerque when I was growing up and it has stuck with me for these 40 plus years.

Anyway, Wranglers do amazing things to a man's anatomy.  Even the most homely of physiques can look stunning in a pair of Wranglers.  If you can't picture it I'll try and help; Wranglers do for men what the push up bra does for women only it works on both the front and back sides of a man.  Such a great garment that does such great things!  Of course, the smaller the size the better the garment works.  Really, think about it, if your gut is big, everyone is going to be focusing on it and not the important, sexy parts that have been lifted and molded into perfection.

Currently, I wear a size 32 in Wranglers.  Now to be honest, this is not a true 32.  This is the type of 32 that requires lying on the bed and sucking your gut in till you almost faint to zip them up and button them, type of 32.  To add to this misery, I refuse to by fat boy Wranglers.  For me, that is anything over a size 32.  So, I spend lots of time in VERY tight Wranglers hoping that my goods are properly displayed.  In reality, this is all about vanity.  Now how Mo is that?  Aren't all true homos vain?  Why yes, Virginia, they are!

I'm enough of a real Mo to be vain but enough of a loser Mo to want to be comfortable, leaving me with but one choice, hit the gym with gusto and be a man about it.

So, here I am three weeks after that decision feeling beefier,  thinner and trimmer.  What's really bad about this is that I'm actually enjoying the intense workouts.  That's right, I'm having fun being a jock!  All of that sweat pouring off of me; the burning feeling in my muscles from lifting too much, it's like a drug!

Well, this is all very good for me.  It's making me healthy.  It's making me look good and, it may help me get dates but I'm thinking that it's not helping my homo status.  Now don't get me wrong; there are lots of gay guys who work out a ton.  However, they have other Super Mo qualities.  For example, when they speak they speak in a range four octaves higher than the average hetero male; they have their eyebrows waxed weekly and they listen to musicals while puttering around the house.  All of these Super Mo things I do not do.

Am I doomed to utter Mo failure?  Possibly not.

While at the gym today, I was contemplating this current conundrum and remembered a comment from a student of mine.

Once, this past year, I was lamenting to friend of mine how I was such a bad homo.  She thought this was quite amusing and told her family about it at the dinner table one evening.  Her son, who happens to be one of my students, informed her that I was actually a really good homo because I have Standard Poodles.

When I recalled this statement, I almost tripped on the treadmill, sending a shower of sweat onto the woman next to me.  I was too thrilled at my recollection to worry about her evil glares or be concerned that she was wearing a neon pink top with neon green spandex shorts.

Thrilled with my realization that I had finally made the grade, I finished my workout and headed to the steam room.  Ahhh, time to relax and bask in all of my superior homo-ness knowing that I can be gay while working out hard and enjoying it!

Of course, the universe is out to have a laugh at my expense.  I suddenly realized that my poodles aren't sissy poodles.  My poodles do stuff like this:

Yes, my girls ROCK!  And they will kick any Lab's ass when it comes to swimming and retrieving!  BOOYAH!

Opps...there I go again and so go a few more gay points.  I'm trying.  Really, I am trying.

Well, since my poodles aren't a good gay fall back then my knitting surely must be.  I'm still on a big lace kick and I recently found this lovely pattern (Check that out; I just used "lovely" in a sentence.  How gay is that?).

This pattern just screams GAY!  It's actually an edging which is meant to be grafted or sewn onto the main piece of work.  I'm really not that concerned with the edging bit.  Personally, I think it's a bit Grandma.  What I do like about it is the leaf and acorn motif, just that part.  It's pretty F'n cool.  I'm currently trying to come up with ways to use just that part in some bit of knitting and I think I'm onto something way awesome....so, stay tuned.

My Loser Mo Adventures at Sock Summit

As most of my knitter friends know, Sock Summit was just here in Portland.  I was very excited about this convention when I heard that it was going to be here again.  What a great opportunity to learn some new gay guy skills.  I mean really, it just sings GAY with all that yarn, needles, colour and tons of women and very few men.

Well, as usual the road to my official gay card was blocked from the very start.  My partner, Jeff, is a former English teacher.  Every year, he and his English teacher friends head off to Cedar City, Utah, to that city's Shakespeare Festival.  I never attend these gatherings as seeing two plays each day for three consecutive days really makes me want to vomit.  Don't get me wrong, Jeff loves it (he's a better Mo than me) and so do his friends but it just doesn't do it for me.

This year, one of the group couldn't make it due to a wedding; so, I agreed to buy her tickets and hang out with my partner appreciating live theater.  One glaring problem, it totally interfered with Sock Summit.  Unfortunately, there was no way out.  The one saving grace is that we returned to Portland in time for me to attend just one day of the convention, Sunday.

Happily armed with this information, I logged on to Sock Summit's web page to register, tickled that I was about to add points toward my official gay card.  As I started to review the course offerings my heart began to sink, "This is so not going to be an opportunity for double or even single gay card points."

"It's all about knitting SOCKS!"

I HATE knitting socks.  I mean WTF how can you have an entire convention dedicated to just socks.  Why not something practical like sweaters.  Now that's something you can have a convention over.  I knew it would deal with socks but I truly thought it would also deal with other knitting genres.  NOPE!

Now you must realize that this is yet another set back.   I've been working on getting this card for 40 plus years and I'm not getting any further in accumulating points.  There had to be a way to salvage this, and as if by magic, it occurred to me "I know, I'll take one of Franklin's classes.  That would be fun and Gay!"  (So, if you don't know, Franklin Habit is one of the kings of knitting.  He's a great guy and has tons of great ideas and, of course, has a HUGE following.  Also, he's a blast to hang out with.)

As I clicked on the the link for the registration page, I should have realized that something was amiss as a cold shiver came over me and dark clouds blocked out the sun.  I didn't think much of it at the time; I mean hey, I live in Oregon, cold shivers and dark clouds are the norm.

Well, true to form, the Universe conspired against me yet again in my quest for a gay card.  As I reviewed the available classes it became apparent that there were no spots in Franklin's classes!

Okay, I'm going to diverge for a moment here.  I think that there should be a standing rule for situations like this.  Gay guys Always have a spot in any class taught by another gay male knitting teacher.  Really, this is just common sense.  We are a minority in the knitting world.  There should be an affirmative action program just for us.  Plus, let's be real, gay guys are a Ton of fun.  Who wouldn't want at least two or three of us in a class to break up all of that middle aged estrogen?  Not only would it be a learning experience, it would be a party and, if one of us was a true Mo, all of the middle aged women could get fashion and make up tips.

Rant over (for the moment).

Burying my disappointment I decide just to go to the market place at Sock Summit and hang with my male knitter friends.  Of course, this, in and of itself, is fraught with problems.

I think male knitters can relate to this very well.  There are a certain amount of odd looks that you get when you walk into the female dominated world of knitting.  You can almost here their thoughts, "Hmmm...who's that?  What's a guy doing here?  Who's husband is he?"  Of course this is just as you are walking into the building.  The next round of thoughts occur as you are actually looking at yarn and knitting needles, "He must be here with his wife. Hmmm...he knits but he's a guy, probably not that good at it. He doesn't know what he's doing; I'll have to tell him what he wants to buy."  Yup, that's what they are thinking; I know it, and, of course, all these thoughts actually take points away from my gay card account.

Anyway, I dealt with these archaic misnomers admirably as I walked into the market place, smiling trying hard to look like I belong.  Just so you know, this is where I'm a loser Mo Extreme.  I can feel it radiate from me.   I really don't fit in.  Just to let you know, I really did try my best.  Here was my plan. 

First, I did not wear any of my cowboy gear that I usually wear.  Instead of Wrangler's I wore Lucky Brand jeans.  Instead of boots, I wore Puma's.  I even carried a man purse!  But, to no avail, I still didn't fit in.  I know this by one thing; I couldn't get anyone to wait on me.  Yup, they saw me; my wallet bulging with credit cards hot to be used but they didn't come.  Even the gay clerks ignored me.  Nope, not even an interested glance, they all just clung onto the women customers, admiring their choices in yarn and crooning over colour combinations....Vomit! Come on guys!  I'm gay like you and I'm somewhat attractive.  I have nice biceps!  Wait.... I know; it's the colour thing.

That's right, I did it again.  Damn!  For those of you who don't know me, one of my most glaring loser gay guy things is that I don't get colour.  Truly.  I don't know what colour goes with what.  I can't see the subtle shades of pink mixed in with the purple.  I can't tell when the yellow is tending to more of a green.  To me taupe is just a grey and mushroom is just brown.  Gasp!  Horror!  Shock!  A gay guy who doesn't get colour?!!!  I know; believe me, I live with this shame daily.

So, there I stand, in the middle of an arena of extreme gay card point acquisition, radiating disdain for crooning over colour choice, watching my opportunity to be a real Mo trickle away.  Uggh, I just can't help it.  Defeated again, I left the market place  head hung low, and waited for my male knitter friends to finish their classes and shopping so that we could go out to eat.

I guess I'm the Pinocchio of the gay world.  Instead of telling people that I'm a real boy, I spend my time telling them that I'm a real Mo.

However, I will persevere.  I'm still working hard on the gay card.  My Sunflower Shawl has sparked interest at Knit Picks.  They sent me their yarn to knit up the shawl and I finished it last week.  I'll be blocking it today and then I'll drop it off at their offices.  Hopefully, they will like it in their yarn and I'll have my pattern up on their site.

Also, I'm designing yet another lace project.  In my opinion, nothing screams GAY more than knitting and designing lace.  I'm thinking I should get at least a thousand points towards Winner Mo status by coming up with another great lace pattern.  I'll keep you posted!